My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
