I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
