So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
