my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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