I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I could make wine with my vomit
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
