Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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