Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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