we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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