Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
