currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
