I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
