I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Are we still banned from the library?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
