I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
