i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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