What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
