I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
