I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize