Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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