I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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