Please, let me fuck your mom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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