I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize