Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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