I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize