okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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