I wish I could punch you in the face.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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