this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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