he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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