I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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