No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
