i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize