I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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