i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
