I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
