There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
