I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize