Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
