just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
