My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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