What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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