I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
