Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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