The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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