Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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