My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
