Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
