We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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