I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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