I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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