He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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