i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
