What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
