You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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