and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
