i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
