I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
